There’s an interesting contradiction underlying human relationships: We don’t want advice, but we seek it. We can’t know how long the contradiction has run through our and other hominin species, but it certainly goes back before Ann Landers and the rise of modern pseudo psychology. Did it begin in the family? Did it arise in relationships outside the family setting in those who had trouble with family members? Did it arise in the first rock shelters that provided communal living conditions? Or, did this need to get advice that we ignore simply arise in some twisted set of axons as neighboring neurons tried “to inform” across a synapse.
Neuron #1, looking across a synapse: “If you want to know what I think,…”
Neuron #2, acknowledging, “What should I think?”
Neuron #1, having communicated with neighboring neurons over synapse fences, “Well, I heard that So-n-So isn’t treating you fairly, and it’s time for you to take a stand and simply say, ‘I don’t want any of your neurotransmitters.’ Tell him to shove his transmitters up his own axon.”
Neuron #2, looking shy, “I don’t think I can think that out loud.”
The Japan News by Yomiuri Shimbun for October 9, 2017, carries an Ann-Landers-type of correspondence between M, living in the Okayama Prefecture and Professor Ohinata, who offers advice.* Unhappy M, a homemaker in her thirties, has a problem with her husband: She wants a second child, whereas he wants a luxurious condo. She believes he wants the condo “to make himself look good” and to hold down all the costs associated with rearing children. “I’m certain I will bear a grudge against him for the rest of my life…if I listen to his request and the three of us live in a luxury condo….”
Prof. Ohinata’s advice? Well, Masami doesn’t really offer a definitive solution, but rather presents a way of solving the dilemma. “You should make him understand how much you want a second child. At the same time, you should understand you can’t change him as long as you assume you are absolutely right. I…recommend you imagine his position and feelings as much as possible, rather than trying to make yourself understood.”
Okay, what do you think M will do? She has the advice. She obviously wanted it since she wrote to The Japan News seeking help. Now, will she follow it, and will it lead to a solution? M has already said she will “bear a grudge” even though, in another part of the letter, Prof. Ohinata says, “I suggest you listen to what he is thinking a little more, because he is the one who will pay for your child’s education, housing loans and other financial burdens….” And he argues that her husband might be motivated by a desire to provide the best life for his young family rather than by a desire to climb the social ladder.
What does this all mean in the history of humans seeking solutions from other humans? Can we suggest methods but not suggest solutions beyond “just tell him to shove his ideas up his axons”? Does this mean that we shouldn’t ask or offer anything beyond methodology?
Are your problems YOUR problems alone? Do solutions to dilemmas lie in personal decisions? Should you ever offer a neighbor anything more than procedures? I wish I could give you definitive advice that you would accept.
*Troubleshooter/My husband wants a luxury condo rather than 2nd child http://the-japan-news.com/news/article/0003964523
Neuron #1, looking across a synapse: “If you want to know what I think,…”
Neuron #2, acknowledging, “What should I think?”
Neuron #1, having communicated with neighboring neurons over synapse fences, “Well, I heard that So-n-So isn’t treating you fairly, and it’s time for you to take a stand and simply say, ‘I don’t want any of your neurotransmitters.’ Tell him to shove his transmitters up his own axon.”
Neuron #2, looking shy, “I don’t think I can think that out loud.”
The Japan News by Yomiuri Shimbun for October 9, 2017, carries an Ann-Landers-type of correspondence between M, living in the Okayama Prefecture and Professor Ohinata, who offers advice.* Unhappy M, a homemaker in her thirties, has a problem with her husband: She wants a second child, whereas he wants a luxurious condo. She believes he wants the condo “to make himself look good” and to hold down all the costs associated with rearing children. “I’m certain I will bear a grudge against him for the rest of my life…if I listen to his request and the three of us live in a luxury condo….”
Prof. Ohinata’s advice? Well, Masami doesn’t really offer a definitive solution, but rather presents a way of solving the dilemma. “You should make him understand how much you want a second child. At the same time, you should understand you can’t change him as long as you assume you are absolutely right. I…recommend you imagine his position and feelings as much as possible, rather than trying to make yourself understood.”
Okay, what do you think M will do? She has the advice. She obviously wanted it since she wrote to The Japan News seeking help. Now, will she follow it, and will it lead to a solution? M has already said she will “bear a grudge” even though, in another part of the letter, Prof. Ohinata says, “I suggest you listen to what he is thinking a little more, because he is the one who will pay for your child’s education, housing loans and other financial burdens….” And he argues that her husband might be motivated by a desire to provide the best life for his young family rather than by a desire to climb the social ladder.
What does this all mean in the history of humans seeking solutions from other humans? Can we suggest methods but not suggest solutions beyond “just tell him to shove his ideas up his axons”? Does this mean that we shouldn’t ask or offer anything beyond methodology?
Are your problems YOUR problems alone? Do solutions to dilemmas lie in personal decisions? Should you ever offer a neighbor anything more than procedures? I wish I could give you definitive advice that you would accept.
*Troubleshooter/My husband wants a luxury condo rather than 2nd child http://the-japan-news.com/news/article/0003964523
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