Called “the Far-flowing River” by the Ottawa, Michigan’s Grand River (or Owashtanong) once had a mile of rapids that gave Grand Rapids its name. The name remains, but the rapids were inundated by impounded water as early as 1835. There might be some significance in the endurance of the name and in the disappearance of the rapids.
And that significance comes from a new policy by Grand Valley State University. Graduation, once a school-wide celebration and part of a “uni” (one, united), is now a set of discrete events. Every special group has its own graduation. Want one of your own?
Here’s the story: Grand Valley State University's Multicultural Affairs Office lists graduation ceremonies or celebrations for Black students, Asian students, "Latinx" students, Native American students, and "LGBTQIA+" students next month. The university will also have a general commencement ceremony for all students. *
Whoa! Did you read that last part? There will be a “general commencement ceremony for all students.” Is the university celebrating the acquisition of degrees or the acquisition of a new version of segregation? Has the idea of an alma mater for all graduates been inundated like the former rapids of the nearby river? And if one goes to a special celebration for a discrete group, why would that person bother to go to the general commencement?
I overheard this conversation on Alum Day in a coffee shop between two "alums" (Can't, by the way, decide on using Alumni, the Latin masculine plural used for centuries for all graduates regardless of sex, or Alumnae, the feminine plural used for centuries to refer to female graduates exclusively and I label them 1 and 2 with, of course, no significance assigned to the numerical order, no hierarchy intended, and no privilege intended for either or both, but i need some way to refer to them as separate identities).
1. “Did you graduate from Grand Valley?”
2. “Yes. I was there in the early 2020s.”
1. “What a coincidence. That’s when I was there. In what year did you graduate?
2. “2023.”
1. “Me, too, but I don’t remember ever running into you on campus. Were you a commuter?”
2. “No, no, no. I was there, full-time.”
1. “Wonder why our paths never crossed.”
2. “Maybe you weren’t in my segregated group.”
1. “And what was that?”
2. “I belonged to the ‘Undecided-whether-I-am-a vegan-or-carnivore-French-
Native-American-with-a-hint-of-Scottish-genes’ background.”
1. “Sounds really well-defined.”
2. “Yep. I majored in ‘Undecided Studies,’ and minored in ‘Differences-studies.’ There were ten of us in my class. I got to know some of them, but not the ones who didn’t have Scottish genes or Native American genes.”
1. “So, you got to know people were undecided about their diet? Are there jobs out there for...”
2. [Ignoring the partially expressed question] “Yes, that’s about it. We were a confused but very close-knit group. All of us were reared in homes with very open-minded parents who let us decide what we wanted to eat. Ate a lot of candy, but look at me. Our graduation party was relatively short because many of us had to report to our career jobs in restaurants. However, at our celebration we did have someone dressed in traditional Native American headdress, wearing a kilt, and playing the bagpipes, and we had a banquet that featured tallow and tofu.”
1. “Hmnn. No suet. But did you also attend the ‘general graduation’ at semester’s end?”
2. “Couldn’t go; had to work night shift now that the restaurant stays open till midnight in the drive-through. Anyway, I didn’t want to associate with anyone who wanted to be part of a general population of humans. All that integration is so repulsive. Imagine mingling with those white privilege students who don't have student loans. My group was special; we bonded in our shared social anxiety over the persistent persecution of French Native Americans of Scottish heritage and vegan-carnivores.”
1. “I’d say, ‘Go Lakers,’ but I think that has been dropped from the school’s song. Do you think there’s anything left of American melting-pot culture, that has flowed through the course of history, or has it all been drowned by a series of flow-stopping social dams?”
2. "As I suspected, you must have gone to the general graduation ceremonies. Gotta go. Think I see...yes...there's Pat, my roommate during my freshperson year. Pat...Pat! Oh! Pat." [running off, kilt flapping in the wind, bagpipes dragging on the ground, feathers flying from the headdress]
1. [to barista] "Another small coffee, please. Black with cream."
*Fox News online. Kristine Parks. Published March 22, 2023 2:00pm EDT
And that significance comes from a new policy by Grand Valley State University. Graduation, once a school-wide celebration and part of a “uni” (one, united), is now a set of discrete events. Every special group has its own graduation. Want one of your own?
Here’s the story: Grand Valley State University's Multicultural Affairs Office lists graduation ceremonies or celebrations for Black students, Asian students, "Latinx" students, Native American students, and "LGBTQIA+" students next month. The university will also have a general commencement ceremony for all students. *
Whoa! Did you read that last part? There will be a “general commencement ceremony for all students.” Is the university celebrating the acquisition of degrees or the acquisition of a new version of segregation? Has the idea of an alma mater for all graduates been inundated like the former rapids of the nearby river? And if one goes to a special celebration for a discrete group, why would that person bother to go to the general commencement?
I overheard this conversation on Alum Day in a coffee shop between two "alums" (Can't, by the way, decide on using Alumni, the Latin masculine plural used for centuries for all graduates regardless of sex, or Alumnae, the feminine plural used for centuries to refer to female graduates exclusively and I label them 1 and 2 with, of course, no significance assigned to the numerical order, no hierarchy intended, and no privilege intended for either or both, but i need some way to refer to them as separate identities).
1. “Did you graduate from Grand Valley?”
2. “Yes. I was there in the early 2020s.”
1. “What a coincidence. That’s when I was there. In what year did you graduate?
2. “2023.”
1. “Me, too, but I don’t remember ever running into you on campus. Were you a commuter?”
2. “No, no, no. I was there, full-time.”
1. “Wonder why our paths never crossed.”
2. “Maybe you weren’t in my segregated group.”
1. “And what was that?”
2. “I belonged to the ‘Undecided-whether-I-am-a vegan-or-carnivore-French-
Native-American-with-a-hint-of-Scottish-genes’ background.”
1. “Sounds really well-defined.”
2. “Yep. I majored in ‘Undecided Studies,’ and minored in ‘Differences-studies.’ There were ten of us in my class. I got to know some of them, but not the ones who didn’t have Scottish genes or Native American genes.”
1. “So, you got to know people were undecided about their diet? Are there jobs out there for...”
2. [Ignoring the partially expressed question] “Yes, that’s about it. We were a confused but very close-knit group. All of us were reared in homes with very open-minded parents who let us decide what we wanted to eat. Ate a lot of candy, but look at me. Our graduation party was relatively short because many of us had to report to our career jobs in restaurants. However, at our celebration we did have someone dressed in traditional Native American headdress, wearing a kilt, and playing the bagpipes, and we had a banquet that featured tallow and tofu.”
1. “Hmnn. No suet. But did you also attend the ‘general graduation’ at semester’s end?”
2. “Couldn’t go; had to work night shift now that the restaurant stays open till midnight in the drive-through. Anyway, I didn’t want to associate with anyone who wanted to be part of a general population of humans. All that integration is so repulsive. Imagine mingling with those white privilege students who don't have student loans. My group was special; we bonded in our shared social anxiety over the persistent persecution of French Native Americans of Scottish heritage and vegan-carnivores.”
1. “I’d say, ‘Go Lakers,’ but I think that has been dropped from the school’s song. Do you think there’s anything left of American melting-pot culture, that has flowed through the course of history, or has it all been drowned by a series of flow-stopping social dams?”
2. "As I suspected, you must have gone to the general graduation ceremonies. Gotta go. Think I see...yes...there's Pat, my roommate during my freshperson year. Pat...Pat! Oh! Pat." [running off, kilt flapping in the wind, bagpipes dragging on the ground, feathers flying from the headdress]
1. [to barista] "Another small coffee, please. Black with cream."
*Fox News online. Kristine Parks. Published March 22, 2023 2:00pm EDT
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