Late Medieval Merchant: Vfares! Vfares! Come buy my Vfares.
Gutenberg: [walking by] What are you selling?
Medieval Merchant: Lots of stuff. Imports, mostly. Here are the finest silks from China, imported over the Silk Road. Here are the finest spices, also imported over the Silk Road. And here are little letters carved in fvood. Look, you can use them to make an impression over and over again. They call it fvoodblock printing. Seems they’ve been using it for generations. It’s going to revolutionize the vfay veee communicate.
Gutenberg: Hmnnn. Let me see that letter. Hmnnn. You know, I think I’ll take it. vfrap it up for me. How much?
Medieval Merchant: Five guilders.
Gutenberg: No, I want to pay double that; I’ll give you 10 guilders.
Medieval Merchant: All right by me. Ten it is. Vfill that be cash?
Gutenberg: [turning to call over his friends] Hey, Hans Riffe, Andreas Dritzehn, and Andreas Heilmann, look at this. You guys have any loose guilders on you? I’m short, and I vfant to buy this fvooden thing.
Hans Riffe, Andreas Dritzehn, and Andreas Heilmann: Vfhat is it?
Gutenberg: I think it’s something that can bring in a profit. I haff an idea.
Hans Riffe, Andreas Dritzehn, and Andreas Heilmann: [discussing and then saying] Veee can come up with six among us.
Gutenberg: Great. [turning to merchant] Here’s your ten.
Hans Riffe, Andreas Dritzehn, and Andreas Heilmann: [walking away with Gutenberg after the purchase] Why vassss that merchant guy so happy?
Gutenberg: No idea. I think because he didn’t know vfhat he had. Can you imagine? He vfanted five guilders, but I talked him into selling it for ten.
Andreas Dritzehn: Vfhat!? You borrowed money from us because you paid more for a piece of fvood than the asking price? A piece of fvood. Haven’t you looked around? Veee have trees in Europe. Look at the trees. Veee have countless trees. Maybe more than veee can ever use if all veee want is blocks of fvood.
Gutenberg: But this came from a distant land. I know it will become useful with a little ingenuity.
Hans Riffe, Andreas Dritzehn, and Andreas Heilmann: I think veee need some sort of agreement. If you’re going to make money from our investment, veee vfant in on it.
Gutenberg: Okay. But let me fvork on this thing for awhile. I’ll get back to you.
Hans Riffe: [departing their friend] Vfhat do you think he’s up to? Overpaying for a piece of fvood just because it comes from a foreign land! Vfhat’s wrong with us for lending him the guilders?
Gutenberg: [thinking--play thinking music here: “I’m going to need more loans. I want to get more of these Chinese fvooden blocks. I have an idea I can put them in some kind of machine, dip them in ink, and press them on a piece of vellum”] Can you get me more of these?
Medieval Merchant: [thinking--play thinking music here: “I’ve found my mark. I’m going to make a fortune off this guy. Doesn’t he realize there’s fvood all around us. Heck, I’ll just take my shop’s post and lintels, cut them into blocks, and carve some letters in them. I’ll tell him that they came over the Silk Road or from Byzantium”] Sure, I can order more. Got a trader supposed to come in this month. He’ll probably have loads of them. [thinking--play thinking music here: “What a sucker”]
Gutenberg: Great. I’d use the local trees, but I vfant to save them. No sense in using the fvood growing around me vfhen I can pay more for foreign fvood. I’ll save Europe from deforestation. And the letters, vfell they come from China. Vfhat could go wrong?
Medieval Merchant: [thinking--play thinking music here: “Ifff this guy’s idea becomes popular, I fvill make a fortune; but doesn’t he realize that China fvill cut down its forests?”] Okay, see you next month.
Gutenberg: [proud of himself--play thinking music here: “I’m going to safe the planet and give the vforld a new vaay to communicate”] And remember, charge vfhatever you like. I’m not going to cut down any local forests.
Medieval Merchant: [thinking--play thinking music here: “Now all I need to do is to tell him the Chinese have cut down on making fvooden blocks, so there's a shortage, or that there's a holdup somewhere along the Silk Road with camels backed up for miles, and that the holdup is what is driving up the price"]
Casting Director Interview:
Reporter: What led you to choose Joe Biden as the lead for Gutenberg?
Casting Director: His credentials.
Reporter: Which are?
Casting Director: His diverse background, including his undergraduate degree in history and political science.
Reporter: So?
Casting Director: No, I needed little more than that. He’s bright. Told me he graduated in the top of his class.
Reporter: You know that’s been debunked.
Casting Director: Well, he used to drive a big rig.
Reporter: You know it was a school bus.
Casting Director: But he has three undergraduate degrees.
Reporter: No, just a double major from Delaware.
Casting Director: He went to law school on a scholarship.
Reporter: Actually, assistance based on financial need.
Casting Director: Graduated at the top of his law class.
Reporter: Not even in the top half. Number 76 out of 85 law students.
Casting Director: But look at his creative work, his speeches and his ability to clearly articulate ideas.
Reporter: Plagiarized some of his speeches. Words that came from the Kennedys, for example. Expressions from other politicians. Articulate? You mean that he was able to define America in one word: asnafuimnaffutifut-boo
Casting Director: His knowledge of foreign trade.
Reporter: You mean because he voted for NAFTA and supported the Trans-Pacific Partnership?
Casting Director: His knowledge about economics of global warming.
Reporter: You mean his making an energy independent country into one dependent on foreign sources of oil on the basis of advisors like John Kerry and maybe teen Greta Thunberg? You mean shutting down coal, oil, and natural gas while China, India, and other countries consume more? You mean by buying Russian, Venezuelan, and Saudi oil? You mean ensuring energy shortages on the basis of a hysteria over existential threats from a rise in temperature that very well could be caused by natural processes? You mean because he doesn’t understand the difference between causation and correlation or the history of Earth’s temperatures that have declined since the Paleocene-Eocene Thermal Maximum and that have risen and fallen with every glacial and interglacial epoch? Or do you mean that in Earth's history carbon dioxide is at one of its lowest levels and that its increase might mean a greener planet?
Casting Director: Okay, frankly, I cast him in the lead because I got a little something from a Russian oligarch’s wife.
Gutenberg: [walking by] What are you selling?
Medieval Merchant: Lots of stuff. Imports, mostly. Here are the finest silks from China, imported over the Silk Road. Here are the finest spices, also imported over the Silk Road. And here are little letters carved in fvood. Look, you can use them to make an impression over and over again. They call it fvoodblock printing. Seems they’ve been using it for generations. It’s going to revolutionize the vfay veee communicate.
Gutenberg: Hmnnn. Let me see that letter. Hmnnn. You know, I think I’ll take it. vfrap it up for me. How much?
Medieval Merchant: Five guilders.
Gutenberg: No, I want to pay double that; I’ll give you 10 guilders.
Medieval Merchant: All right by me. Ten it is. Vfill that be cash?
Gutenberg: [turning to call over his friends] Hey, Hans Riffe, Andreas Dritzehn, and Andreas Heilmann, look at this. You guys have any loose guilders on you? I’m short, and I vfant to buy this fvooden thing.
Hans Riffe, Andreas Dritzehn, and Andreas Heilmann: Vfhat is it?
Gutenberg: I think it’s something that can bring in a profit. I haff an idea.
Hans Riffe, Andreas Dritzehn, and Andreas Heilmann: [discussing and then saying] Veee can come up with six among us.
Gutenberg: Great. [turning to merchant] Here’s your ten.
Hans Riffe, Andreas Dritzehn, and Andreas Heilmann: [walking away with Gutenberg after the purchase] Why vassss that merchant guy so happy?
Gutenberg: No idea. I think because he didn’t know vfhat he had. Can you imagine? He vfanted five guilders, but I talked him into selling it for ten.
Andreas Dritzehn: Vfhat!? You borrowed money from us because you paid more for a piece of fvood than the asking price? A piece of fvood. Haven’t you looked around? Veee have trees in Europe. Look at the trees. Veee have countless trees. Maybe more than veee can ever use if all veee want is blocks of fvood.
Gutenberg: But this came from a distant land. I know it will become useful with a little ingenuity.
Hans Riffe, Andreas Dritzehn, and Andreas Heilmann: I think veee need some sort of agreement. If you’re going to make money from our investment, veee vfant in on it.
Gutenberg: Okay. But let me fvork on this thing for awhile. I’ll get back to you.
Hans Riffe: [departing their friend] Vfhat do you think he’s up to? Overpaying for a piece of fvood just because it comes from a foreign land! Vfhat’s wrong with us for lending him the guilders?
Gutenberg: [thinking--play thinking music here: “I’m going to need more loans. I want to get more of these Chinese fvooden blocks. I have an idea I can put them in some kind of machine, dip them in ink, and press them on a piece of vellum”] Can you get me more of these?
Medieval Merchant: [thinking--play thinking music here: “I’ve found my mark. I’m going to make a fortune off this guy. Doesn’t he realize there’s fvood all around us. Heck, I’ll just take my shop’s post and lintels, cut them into blocks, and carve some letters in them. I’ll tell him that they came over the Silk Road or from Byzantium”] Sure, I can order more. Got a trader supposed to come in this month. He’ll probably have loads of them. [thinking--play thinking music here: “What a sucker”]
Gutenberg: Great. I’d use the local trees, but I vfant to save them. No sense in using the fvood growing around me vfhen I can pay more for foreign fvood. I’ll save Europe from deforestation. And the letters, vfell they come from China. Vfhat could go wrong?
Medieval Merchant: [thinking--play thinking music here: “Ifff this guy’s idea becomes popular, I fvill make a fortune; but doesn’t he realize that China fvill cut down its forests?”] Okay, see you next month.
Gutenberg: [proud of himself--play thinking music here: “I’m going to safe the planet and give the vforld a new vaay to communicate”] And remember, charge vfhatever you like. I’m not going to cut down any local forests.
Medieval Merchant: [thinking--play thinking music here: “Now all I need to do is to tell him the Chinese have cut down on making fvooden blocks, so there's a shortage, or that there's a holdup somewhere along the Silk Road with camels backed up for miles, and that the holdup is what is driving up the price"]
Casting Director Interview:
Reporter: What led you to choose Joe Biden as the lead for Gutenberg?
Casting Director: His credentials.
Reporter: Which are?
Casting Director: His diverse background, including his undergraduate degree in history and political science.
Reporter: So?
Casting Director: No, I needed little more than that. He’s bright. Told me he graduated in the top of his class.
Reporter: You know that’s been debunked.
Casting Director: Well, he used to drive a big rig.
Reporter: You know it was a school bus.
Casting Director: But he has three undergraduate degrees.
Reporter: No, just a double major from Delaware.
Casting Director: He went to law school on a scholarship.
Reporter: Actually, assistance based on financial need.
Casting Director: Graduated at the top of his law class.
Reporter: Not even in the top half. Number 76 out of 85 law students.
Casting Director: But look at his creative work, his speeches and his ability to clearly articulate ideas.
Reporter: Plagiarized some of his speeches. Words that came from the Kennedys, for example. Expressions from other politicians. Articulate? You mean that he was able to define America in one word: asnafuimnaffutifut-boo
Casting Director: His knowledge of foreign trade.
Reporter: You mean because he voted for NAFTA and supported the Trans-Pacific Partnership?
Casting Director: His knowledge about economics of global warming.
Reporter: You mean his making an energy independent country into one dependent on foreign sources of oil on the basis of advisors like John Kerry and maybe teen Greta Thunberg? You mean shutting down coal, oil, and natural gas while China, India, and other countries consume more? You mean by buying Russian, Venezuelan, and Saudi oil? You mean ensuring energy shortages on the basis of a hysteria over existential threats from a rise in temperature that very well could be caused by natural processes? You mean because he doesn’t understand the difference between causation and correlation or the history of Earth’s temperatures that have declined since the Paleocene-Eocene Thermal Maximum and that have risen and fallen with every glacial and interglacial epoch? Or do you mean that in Earth's history carbon dioxide is at one of its lowest levels and that its increase might mean a greener planet?
Casting Director: Okay, frankly, I cast him in the lead because I got a little something from a Russian oligarch’s wife.
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