Professor and Plumber talk:
Plumber: Well, here’s your problem. One of your kids must have thrown this toy down there.
Prof: Hmnnnn.
Plumber: See it all the time. Putting my own kids through college with all the jobs.
Prof: So, how did you extract it?
Plumber: See these two nuts. Unscrew them and the whole shebang comes off.
Prof: Never noticed them before.
Plumber: [quizzical look] Well, it’s taken care of now.
Prof: How much do I owe you?
Plumber: Let’s see, labor, no parts…$33 trillion will do.
Prof: I’m sorry, did you say $33 trillion?
Plumber: Well, things have gone up. I gotta keep up, and there aren’t many plumbers in the area. That’s why I’m so busy. Heck, I can’t even find someone to hire, and even my own kids think the job’s beneath them. So, yeah. Sorry. But that’s the bill.
Prof: Can I make payments?
Plumber: Okay, I guess.
Prof: Thirty-three trillion dollars. That’s really exorbitant, I think.
Plumber: Well, if you want to have things, if you want to have EVERYTHING for EVERYONE, you have to pay. Comes a time when people find out they have limits.
Prof: But it’s just paper money. It’s only valuable because we say it’s valuable. It’s just an idea.
Plumber: See that roll next to the toilet. It’s paper. But it does run out. It spirals down to a paper cylinder.
Prof: There’s always more.
Plumber: So the current government thinks. Heck, past governments, too. NASA spent $23 million for a toilet on the Space Station. Wasn’t even made of gold. I do like the title however: Universal Waste Management System. “Universal”: must be usable by aliens, also. Heck. In speaking about aliens, the country has spent millions on toilets for them, who knows, maybe a billion bucks on them, maybe billions.
Prof: You’re not talking space aliens now, are you?
Plumber: There you go. You per-fessors can see right through things.
Prof: Don’t you think we have an obligation to provide help for the poor people displaced by climate change?
Plumber: Nope. But I do send money to support a little kid I never met. Send it through a charitable agency that helps to get kids an education in their native countries. Mine's in Honduras.
Prof: But this is a big country. We can accommodate millions. And the rich can pay their fair share.
Plumber: How much do you make?
Prof: Huh??
Plumber: How much do you make?
Prof: I don’t think that is…
Plumber: I looked it up. Googled it. Not your salary exactly, but average college per-fessor’s. It’s over $100,000, and in some private schools, per-fessors make over $200,000.
Prof: Well, the years of training. The valuable research. The expertise.
Plumber: Expertise? You didn’t know how to unclog a toilet. But that’s good news for me, ‘cause I make as much or more than you because I can unscrew two bolts, and I’m not afraid to get my washable hands a little dirty.
Prof: We have other kinds of expertise. Expertise of the mind.
Plumber: Any of your kids—that is beside the little one who threw the plastic car into the toilet—any of your kids get into trouble?
Prof: Not much to speak of. At least, I don’t think so. Maybe a little acting up during spring break, but that’s to be expected. Nothing criminal as far as I know. Just college antics.
Plumber: But if they did anything wrong, doesn’t that fall under your “expertise of the mind”?
Prof: No, no. Human behavior isn’t easy to control. Kids have to experiment. My college-age kids from my former marriage are doing fine. One of them is a 4.0 student in gender studies; another is an honor student in communication studies with a minor in philosophy. And my oldest is already a college instructor in English, has his masters, and is working on his doctorate. I think my kids are all right. And all three belong to and are active in political organizations.
Plumber: Future leaders, huh?
Prof: Hope so. The country needs insightful leaders, people who can not only anticipate the future, but understand the ramifications of what we do today.
Plumber: Like $33 trillion in debt for things like a $23 million toilet? Millions more for toilets for aliens who also get free transportation, free community college education in some areas, free accommodations, sometimes free phones, free healthcare, free food…
Prof: We have an obligation to care for them. You don’t know their circumstances. I’ve traveled to some Central American countries for research; I’ve seen the poverty.
Plumber: Wait! You traveled there? Who paid for the research?
Prof: I had a grant.
Plumber: From?
Prof: The federal government.
Plumber: What did you find out?
Prof: Well, my research paper is rather complex.
Plumber: Simplify it for me. I’m just a plumber who can loosen two bolts and re-tighten them.
Prof: Okay. Well…uh… I found out that there are Central Americans who are poor and whose job prospects are very slim. I found out that Central Americans don’t have access to high quality education and that many kids don’t even go to school because schools are run in many places by private institutions like the Catholic Church.
Plumber: Yeah. Remember I just told you that I send money through a charity to support the education of a kid. So, I know. Tell me. What did your research paper do to help a kid in, say, Guatemala? I mean a real kid.
Prof: Well, I published a paper in a respected, peer-reviewed journal, and I’m writing a book.
Plumber: And that real kid?
Prof: If enough people in the government know the plight of the kids in Central America, they will create a committee and press Congress for foreign aid.
Plumber: In other words, you want to influence the government to spend my taxes on people in other countries, even though I am currently helping a kid in a foreign country on my own.
Prof: But the government has the money.
Plumber: Thirty-three trillion dollars in debt. The government doesn’t have any money. I am the government’s money.
Prof: You don’t understand the greater picture. The climate is making people move.
Plumber: I don’t think so. I think bad governments, corrupt governments have robbed their people of opportunities. I think criminals and cartels have taken over and have taken over for centuries. I think the weather isn’t…
Prof: Climate, not weather.
Plumber: I don’t think the weather has anything to do with it. People want free stuff. They get it here because people like you who, sorry to say, can’t unscrew two bolts, think you can give away money as though the toilet paper roll can’t run out.
Prof: The rich…
Plumber: Who’s rich. When I come into a home with two full baths and a powder room in the hall and another one in the finished basement, I see “rich.” The kid I support in Central America lives in a shack with a dirt floor and a tin roof. You are “the rich.”
Prof: But not as rich as the multimillionaires and billionaires.
Plumber: You mean like the people who started businesses like Kohler, the company that made all the fixtures I see in your bathrooms?
Prof: I’m not sure I follow…
Plumber: So, someone takes a risk, forms a company, makes a product, and gets a profit. Aren’t you the reason for that profit? I mean, really. You can’t unscrew two bolts, but you also can’t have a home without those two bolts and the toilet they hold to the floor, a toilet you see as essential but that you did not make. You bought the toilet, didn’t you?
Prof: It’s a necessity.
Plumber: No, it isn’t. I have a shovel in the truck. You could have dug a deep hole, thrown some lime in it, and put up an outhouse. Never knew of anyone with an outhouse that needed to call a plumber. Money saved. No high plumbing bill; no city water needed, and no sewage plant running 24/7 to handle your waste. Just a hole.
Prof: That wouldn’t work in a neighborhood.
Plumber: Why not? It used to.
Prof. Civilization. Progress. No possibility of typhoid fever. Clean ground water.
Plumber: And yet, before Kohler and others gave you the options you have, people survived for millennia with just a hole in the ground and no bolts. Heck. No rolls of toilet paper for much of human history, but what do I know, I’m just a plumber.
Prof: Who charges too much…
Plumber: I have both a skill and needs. I want what you have, a big house, cars for all in the family, a cushy life in academia, and someone to fix my stuff when it breaks. I want a government-funded trip to a foreign land. I wouldn’t even mind being called to fix the toilet on the Space Station at the government’s expense, but I don’t want to handle the waste under microgravity. On Earth, it stays in the hole and pipes unless something backs up the water, a clog like a toy.
Prof: I think you have a limited view. I’m looking at the larger picture.
Plumber: Yeah, the one that cost Americans $33 trillion.
Plumber: Well, here’s your problem. One of your kids must have thrown this toy down there.
Prof: Hmnnnn.
Plumber: See it all the time. Putting my own kids through college with all the jobs.
Prof: So, how did you extract it?
Plumber: See these two nuts. Unscrew them and the whole shebang comes off.
Prof: Never noticed them before.
Plumber: [quizzical look] Well, it’s taken care of now.
Prof: How much do I owe you?
Plumber: Let’s see, labor, no parts…$33 trillion will do.
Prof: I’m sorry, did you say $33 trillion?
Plumber: Well, things have gone up. I gotta keep up, and there aren’t many plumbers in the area. That’s why I’m so busy. Heck, I can’t even find someone to hire, and even my own kids think the job’s beneath them. So, yeah. Sorry. But that’s the bill.
Prof: Can I make payments?
Plumber: Okay, I guess.
Prof: Thirty-three trillion dollars. That’s really exorbitant, I think.
Plumber: Well, if you want to have things, if you want to have EVERYTHING for EVERYONE, you have to pay. Comes a time when people find out they have limits.
Prof: But it’s just paper money. It’s only valuable because we say it’s valuable. It’s just an idea.
Plumber: See that roll next to the toilet. It’s paper. But it does run out. It spirals down to a paper cylinder.
Prof: There’s always more.
Plumber: So the current government thinks. Heck, past governments, too. NASA spent $23 million for a toilet on the Space Station. Wasn’t even made of gold. I do like the title however: Universal Waste Management System. “Universal”: must be usable by aliens, also. Heck. In speaking about aliens, the country has spent millions on toilets for them, who knows, maybe a billion bucks on them, maybe billions.
Prof: You’re not talking space aliens now, are you?
Plumber: There you go. You per-fessors can see right through things.
Prof: Don’t you think we have an obligation to provide help for the poor people displaced by climate change?
Plumber: Nope. But I do send money to support a little kid I never met. Send it through a charitable agency that helps to get kids an education in their native countries. Mine's in Honduras.
Prof: But this is a big country. We can accommodate millions. And the rich can pay their fair share.
Plumber: How much do you make?
Prof: Huh??
Plumber: How much do you make?
Prof: I don’t think that is…
Plumber: I looked it up. Googled it. Not your salary exactly, but average college per-fessor’s. It’s over $100,000, and in some private schools, per-fessors make over $200,000.
Prof: Well, the years of training. The valuable research. The expertise.
Plumber: Expertise? You didn’t know how to unclog a toilet. But that’s good news for me, ‘cause I make as much or more than you because I can unscrew two bolts, and I’m not afraid to get my washable hands a little dirty.
Prof: We have other kinds of expertise. Expertise of the mind.
Plumber: Any of your kids—that is beside the little one who threw the plastic car into the toilet—any of your kids get into trouble?
Prof: Not much to speak of. At least, I don’t think so. Maybe a little acting up during spring break, but that’s to be expected. Nothing criminal as far as I know. Just college antics.
Plumber: But if they did anything wrong, doesn’t that fall under your “expertise of the mind”?
Prof: No, no. Human behavior isn’t easy to control. Kids have to experiment. My college-age kids from my former marriage are doing fine. One of them is a 4.0 student in gender studies; another is an honor student in communication studies with a minor in philosophy. And my oldest is already a college instructor in English, has his masters, and is working on his doctorate. I think my kids are all right. And all three belong to and are active in political organizations.
Plumber: Future leaders, huh?
Prof: Hope so. The country needs insightful leaders, people who can not only anticipate the future, but understand the ramifications of what we do today.
Plumber: Like $33 trillion in debt for things like a $23 million toilet? Millions more for toilets for aliens who also get free transportation, free community college education in some areas, free accommodations, sometimes free phones, free healthcare, free food…
Prof: We have an obligation to care for them. You don’t know their circumstances. I’ve traveled to some Central American countries for research; I’ve seen the poverty.
Plumber: Wait! You traveled there? Who paid for the research?
Prof: I had a grant.
Plumber: From?
Prof: The federal government.
Plumber: What did you find out?
Prof: Well, my research paper is rather complex.
Plumber: Simplify it for me. I’m just a plumber who can loosen two bolts and re-tighten them.
Prof: Okay. Well…uh… I found out that there are Central Americans who are poor and whose job prospects are very slim. I found out that Central Americans don’t have access to high quality education and that many kids don’t even go to school because schools are run in many places by private institutions like the Catholic Church.
Plumber: Yeah. Remember I just told you that I send money through a charity to support the education of a kid. So, I know. Tell me. What did your research paper do to help a kid in, say, Guatemala? I mean a real kid.
Prof: Well, I published a paper in a respected, peer-reviewed journal, and I’m writing a book.
Plumber: And that real kid?
Prof: If enough people in the government know the plight of the kids in Central America, they will create a committee and press Congress for foreign aid.
Plumber: In other words, you want to influence the government to spend my taxes on people in other countries, even though I am currently helping a kid in a foreign country on my own.
Prof: But the government has the money.
Plumber: Thirty-three trillion dollars in debt. The government doesn’t have any money. I am the government’s money.
Prof: You don’t understand the greater picture. The climate is making people move.
Plumber: I don’t think so. I think bad governments, corrupt governments have robbed their people of opportunities. I think criminals and cartels have taken over and have taken over for centuries. I think the weather isn’t…
Prof: Climate, not weather.
Plumber: I don’t think the weather has anything to do with it. People want free stuff. They get it here because people like you who, sorry to say, can’t unscrew two bolts, think you can give away money as though the toilet paper roll can’t run out.
Prof: The rich…
Plumber: Who’s rich. When I come into a home with two full baths and a powder room in the hall and another one in the finished basement, I see “rich.” The kid I support in Central America lives in a shack with a dirt floor and a tin roof. You are “the rich.”
Prof: But not as rich as the multimillionaires and billionaires.
Plumber: You mean like the people who started businesses like Kohler, the company that made all the fixtures I see in your bathrooms?
Prof: I’m not sure I follow…
Plumber: So, someone takes a risk, forms a company, makes a product, and gets a profit. Aren’t you the reason for that profit? I mean, really. You can’t unscrew two bolts, but you also can’t have a home without those two bolts and the toilet they hold to the floor, a toilet you see as essential but that you did not make. You bought the toilet, didn’t you?
Prof: It’s a necessity.
Plumber: No, it isn’t. I have a shovel in the truck. You could have dug a deep hole, thrown some lime in it, and put up an outhouse. Never knew of anyone with an outhouse that needed to call a plumber. Money saved. No high plumbing bill; no city water needed, and no sewage plant running 24/7 to handle your waste. Just a hole.
Prof: That wouldn’t work in a neighborhood.
Plumber: Why not? It used to.
Prof. Civilization. Progress. No possibility of typhoid fever. Clean ground water.
Plumber: And yet, before Kohler and others gave you the options you have, people survived for millennia with just a hole in the ground and no bolts. Heck. No rolls of toilet paper for much of human history, but what do I know, I’m just a plumber.
Prof: Who charges too much…
Plumber: I have both a skill and needs. I want what you have, a big house, cars for all in the family, a cushy life in academia, and someone to fix my stuff when it breaks. I want a government-funded trip to a foreign land. I wouldn’t even mind being called to fix the toilet on the Space Station at the government’s expense, but I don’t want to handle the waste under microgravity. On Earth, it stays in the hole and pipes unless something backs up the water, a clog like a toy.
Prof: I think you have a limited view. I’m looking at the larger picture.
Plumber: Yeah, the one that cost Americans $33 trillion.
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