The Athenian Senate invites Socrates to defend his position. This elenchus ensues.
Senator: We accuse you of racism and every social phobia. You undermine the agenda of the people.
Socrates: And why is that?
Senator: Well, for one thing, you won’t drink the wine that Anheuserias is making because each boukáli [μπουκάλι] is shaped like Hermaphrodite. Furthermore, the Senate charges you with preaching falsity on the Acropolis.
Socrates: What falsity.
Senator: The complete denial of protandry and protogyny.
Socrates: I don’t believe I have denied such processes, and I have asked no one to stop drinking Anheuserias’ wine. He is free to make wine and bottle wine as he sees fit. His consumers are free to drink his wine or some other Athenians’ wines.
Senator: We have witnesses who have heard you say that Anheurserias made a very big miscalculation by shaping its bottles like Mulvaneous.
Socrates: Of that I am guilty.
Senator: And for that we condemn you as anti…
Socrates: Anti what?
Senator: Well, you go against the will of the people. You go against an accepted culture. You go against a whole class of humans, the hermaphrodites and those who have protandry and protogyny.
Socrates: I have never condemned, defamed, or otherwise complained about any natural protandry or protogyny. I have simply questioned artificial protandry and protogyny, especially when the people involved are too inexperienced to know the ramifications of the procedures.
Senator: But your statements about Anheurserias’ wine and the shape of bottles…
Socrates: What has been the result?
Senator: Of…
Socrates: I see the stalls of the sellers in the streets. They no longer carry Anheuserias’ wines. It is they, not I, who have acted against Anheurserias. And for that only Anheurserias has him-herself to blame. Did he not know that Athenians drank his wine because they simply liked to open a bottle and drink for their personal pleasure? Did he not know that in drinking, his customers wanted to think what they wanted to think about? But then Anheurserias decided to make his customers think about what he wanted them to think. He wanted to force an association with Mulvaneous who might be a popular character in some amphitheaters, where wearing the mask and performing as Mulvaneous believes performances should proceed occur. But even Aristophanes has failed to incorporate the character into his plays, even though Aristophanes has parodied me. Bold Aristophanes, willing to parody me, a philosopher, but unwilling to parody Mulvaneous or Anheurserias. is Aristophanes incapable of writing humor when someone like Mulvaneous is involved? Is the playwright afraid of being called before this illustrious body to be condemned by it for writing a parody of Mulvaneous? Why hasn’t the Senate called in Aristophanes for being anti-philosopher? Is it because I am not a member of a declared protected group? And why aren't philosophers members of a protected group? Their only purpose is to seek truth and understanding. Is it because the Senate has selective outrage driven by the fashionable topic that, in turn, is driven by the loudest voices? Has Mulvaneous some special influence over the Senate?
Senator: There’s no denying that you are anti-protandry and anti protogyny.
Socrates: No, there is. I oppose forced protandry and protogyny. I have seen natural protandry and protogyny. Clownfish are sequential hermaphrodites. So are the Asian Sheepshead Wrasse, the Mangrove Rivals, the Black Sea Bass, the Broad-Barred Goby, and for Zeus’ sake, even the strangely named Damselfish which can engage in filial cannibalism. Should I therefore, according to your ideas, favor cannibalism because a sequential hermaphrodite species is cannibalistic? Do I need to accept its ways? Have I no choice in my own preferences?
Senator: Uh…
Socrates: And so the former drinkers of Anheurserias’ wine also have preferences, none of them influenced by me. They do not drink wine because of a social mandate, just as they did not wear garlic when the great plague hit Athens during the recent war with Sparta. They do what they do because they have a choice to do what they do, and they do not want a private entity like Anheurserias Wine Company, as large as that company is, to dictate what they think. Thus, I did say that Anheurserias made a mistake in shaping bottles like Mulvaneous. I will not deny that, but it is a matter of common sense that is demonstrable by the decline in Anheurserias' sales. Isn't that a demonstration of the truth in my statement?
Senator: Nevertheless, it is the opinion of this body that you are condemned to death. You have a choice of poison to drink.
Socrates: Okay. I’ll drink hemlock, but not mixed in a glass of Anheurserias’ wine.
Senator: We accuse you of racism and every social phobia. You undermine the agenda of the people.
Socrates: And why is that?
Senator: Well, for one thing, you won’t drink the wine that Anheuserias is making because each boukáli [μπουκάλι] is shaped like Hermaphrodite. Furthermore, the Senate charges you with preaching falsity on the Acropolis.
Socrates: What falsity.
Senator: The complete denial of protandry and protogyny.
Socrates: I don’t believe I have denied such processes, and I have asked no one to stop drinking Anheuserias’ wine. He is free to make wine and bottle wine as he sees fit. His consumers are free to drink his wine or some other Athenians’ wines.
Senator: We have witnesses who have heard you say that Anheurserias made a very big miscalculation by shaping its bottles like Mulvaneous.
Socrates: Of that I am guilty.
Senator: And for that we condemn you as anti…
Socrates: Anti what?
Senator: Well, you go against the will of the people. You go against an accepted culture. You go against a whole class of humans, the hermaphrodites and those who have protandry and protogyny.
Socrates: I have never condemned, defamed, or otherwise complained about any natural protandry or protogyny. I have simply questioned artificial protandry and protogyny, especially when the people involved are too inexperienced to know the ramifications of the procedures.
Senator: But your statements about Anheurserias’ wine and the shape of bottles…
Socrates: What has been the result?
Senator: Of…
Socrates: I see the stalls of the sellers in the streets. They no longer carry Anheuserias’ wines. It is they, not I, who have acted against Anheurserias. And for that only Anheurserias has him-herself to blame. Did he not know that Athenians drank his wine because they simply liked to open a bottle and drink for their personal pleasure? Did he not know that in drinking, his customers wanted to think what they wanted to think about? But then Anheurserias decided to make his customers think about what he wanted them to think. He wanted to force an association with Mulvaneous who might be a popular character in some amphitheaters, where wearing the mask and performing as Mulvaneous believes performances should proceed occur. But even Aristophanes has failed to incorporate the character into his plays, even though Aristophanes has parodied me. Bold Aristophanes, willing to parody me, a philosopher, but unwilling to parody Mulvaneous or Anheurserias. is Aristophanes incapable of writing humor when someone like Mulvaneous is involved? Is the playwright afraid of being called before this illustrious body to be condemned by it for writing a parody of Mulvaneous? Why hasn’t the Senate called in Aristophanes for being anti-philosopher? Is it because I am not a member of a declared protected group? And why aren't philosophers members of a protected group? Their only purpose is to seek truth and understanding. Is it because the Senate has selective outrage driven by the fashionable topic that, in turn, is driven by the loudest voices? Has Mulvaneous some special influence over the Senate?
Senator: There’s no denying that you are anti-protandry and anti protogyny.
Socrates: No, there is. I oppose forced protandry and protogyny. I have seen natural protandry and protogyny. Clownfish are sequential hermaphrodites. So are the Asian Sheepshead Wrasse, the Mangrove Rivals, the Black Sea Bass, the Broad-Barred Goby, and for Zeus’ sake, even the strangely named Damselfish which can engage in filial cannibalism. Should I therefore, according to your ideas, favor cannibalism because a sequential hermaphrodite species is cannibalistic? Do I need to accept its ways? Have I no choice in my own preferences?
Senator: Uh…
Socrates: And so the former drinkers of Anheurserias’ wine also have preferences, none of them influenced by me. They do not drink wine because of a social mandate, just as they did not wear garlic when the great plague hit Athens during the recent war with Sparta. They do what they do because they have a choice to do what they do, and they do not want a private entity like Anheurserias Wine Company, as large as that company is, to dictate what they think. Thus, I did say that Anheurserias made a mistake in shaping bottles like Mulvaneous. I will not deny that, but it is a matter of common sense that is demonstrable by the decline in Anheurserias' sales. Isn't that a demonstration of the truth in my statement?
Senator: Nevertheless, it is the opinion of this body that you are condemned to death. You have a choice of poison to drink.
Socrates: Okay. I’ll drink hemlock, but not mixed in a glass of Anheurserias’ wine.
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