Background: The ice cream makers told the world on July 4 that the U.S. should return the land on which Mount Rushmore sits to the Native Americans from which it was taken. They talk:
Ben: You know what we should say, Jerry?
Jerry: What? Ben.
Ben: We should tell the Press that the U.S. should return Mount Rushmore to the Nez Perce or to whatever tribe owned that land before we chiseled all those privileged White men’s faces into the rock.
Jerry: Yeah. That’s a good idea. I’ll bet we get lots of coverage. Hey, let’s make an ice cream flavor about the subject. I’m thinking a combination of buffalo meat, elk, and high plains grasses. How’s that sound?
Ben: We can work on it. But what about my idea. Why should the U.S. take a large chunk of granite and carve it into idols of American hegemony? It’s terrible what we did to the Indi…er…Native Americans.
Jerry: I agree. It’s been their land since they took it from the previous owners. Makes me think we should also ask that the Cherokee National Forest in Tennessee become the Clovis People National Forest. And what about the Mounds People territories?
Ben: No, no, no. We need to make a statement that draws the ire of our customers. Let’s just go after Rushmore. Oh! I just remembered that it was the Lakota Sioux and not the Nez Perce—forgive me, Chief Joseph.
Jerry: Okay, but we can’t leave anyone out or else the people will think we are exclusive and not inclusive. How about a flavor called Chief Joseph to honor the Nez Perce?
Ben: Works for me. Giranimo Flavor, also.
Jerry: Wait. That might be offensive because the paratroopers, I believe, used to say that upon jumping from airplanes to kill the people of other lands, like those poor Nazis whose lands we invaded during WWII.
Ben: I don’t think…
Jerry: Or what about Tecumseh? Flavor of deer meat, sycamore bark, and wild berries.
Ben: Well, I see a problem. We can’t include every Indi….er…Native American chief’s name. We’re bound to miss some. And then there’s the problem of all those inter-Indi…er inter-Native American wars, like those between the Huron and Iroquois. We might be accused of choosing sides. It’s one thing to go after police, even though many cops are Blacks, with our support of Defund the Police, but it’s another to ignore one tribe for another. Maybe we should just stick with Mount Rushmore. We’ve already done our share of social justicing, what with that support we gave to Black Lives Matter and Colin Kaepernick for defunding the police.
Jerry: [Opening a letter] What’s this?
Ben: What’s what?
Jerry: We just got this letter. It’s from some guy named Chief Don Stevens of the Nulhegan Band of the Coosuk Abenaki Nation. Says he wants us to return our Vermont property to his nation. That we are on their land.
Ben: Can’t be. How could this happen. I thought the land always belonged to white guys like us. Call the lawyer. This could be bad.
Jerry: And what’s this?
Ben: Not more bad news, I hope.
Jerry: We’re being boycotted, Targeted, so to speak, Bud Lighted. Market cap has already dropped. Ben, we’re losing some of our wealth. We’re losing some of our customers. Damn privileged white conservatives. And the Governor of South Dakota has attacked us.
Ben: I’m getting peeved. Here’s an idea for a flavor: Damned Privileged White Guys.
Jerry: But what ingredients? I don’t want another incident like that “Milk with Dignity” stuff we went through a few years ago.
Ben: Vermont’s been nice, but maybe you and I should move back to Long Island.
Jerry: Wasn’t that once owned by Indi…er…Native Americans?
Ben: You know what we should say, Jerry?
Jerry: What? Ben.
Ben: We should tell the Press that the U.S. should return Mount Rushmore to the Nez Perce or to whatever tribe owned that land before we chiseled all those privileged White men’s faces into the rock.
Jerry: Yeah. That’s a good idea. I’ll bet we get lots of coverage. Hey, let’s make an ice cream flavor about the subject. I’m thinking a combination of buffalo meat, elk, and high plains grasses. How’s that sound?
Ben: We can work on it. But what about my idea. Why should the U.S. take a large chunk of granite and carve it into idols of American hegemony? It’s terrible what we did to the Indi…er…Native Americans.
Jerry: I agree. It’s been their land since they took it from the previous owners. Makes me think we should also ask that the Cherokee National Forest in Tennessee become the Clovis People National Forest. And what about the Mounds People territories?
Ben: No, no, no. We need to make a statement that draws the ire of our customers. Let’s just go after Rushmore. Oh! I just remembered that it was the Lakota Sioux and not the Nez Perce—forgive me, Chief Joseph.
Jerry: Okay, but we can’t leave anyone out or else the people will think we are exclusive and not inclusive. How about a flavor called Chief Joseph to honor the Nez Perce?
Ben: Works for me. Giranimo Flavor, also.
Jerry: Wait. That might be offensive because the paratroopers, I believe, used to say that upon jumping from airplanes to kill the people of other lands, like those poor Nazis whose lands we invaded during WWII.
Ben: I don’t think…
Jerry: Or what about Tecumseh? Flavor of deer meat, sycamore bark, and wild berries.
Ben: Well, I see a problem. We can’t include every Indi….er…Native American chief’s name. We’re bound to miss some. And then there’s the problem of all those inter-Indi…er inter-Native American wars, like those between the Huron and Iroquois. We might be accused of choosing sides. It’s one thing to go after police, even though many cops are Blacks, with our support of Defund the Police, but it’s another to ignore one tribe for another. Maybe we should just stick with Mount Rushmore. We’ve already done our share of social justicing, what with that support we gave to Black Lives Matter and Colin Kaepernick for defunding the police.
Jerry: [Opening a letter] What’s this?
Ben: What’s what?
Jerry: We just got this letter. It’s from some guy named Chief Don Stevens of the Nulhegan Band of the Coosuk Abenaki Nation. Says he wants us to return our Vermont property to his nation. That we are on their land.
Ben: Can’t be. How could this happen. I thought the land always belonged to white guys like us. Call the lawyer. This could be bad.
Jerry: And what’s this?
Ben: Not more bad news, I hope.
Jerry: We’re being boycotted, Targeted, so to speak, Bud Lighted. Market cap has already dropped. Ben, we’re losing some of our wealth. We’re losing some of our customers. Damn privileged white conservatives. And the Governor of South Dakota has attacked us.
Ben: I’m getting peeved. Here’s an idea for a flavor: Damned Privileged White Guys.
Jerry: But what ingredients? I don’t want another incident like that “Milk with Dignity” stuff we went through a few years ago.
Ben: Vermont’s been nice, but maybe you and I should move back to Long Island.
Jerry: Wasn’t that once owned by Indi…er…Native Americans?
RSS Feed